Wednesday, June 30, 2010

When a Man You Love Has Been Abused by Cecil Murphey

My review:
This book by Cecil Murphey, When a man you love was Abused, was very well written and laid out. Easy to read and understand. Murphey shares with the reader how they can help the man that was abused in childhood. Helps you see that healing can happen with God's help but it isn't instantaneously. It comes gradual with lots of help from an understanding party. This book is very informative. Some things that the reader will find in this book:
  • a list of the stages of abuse
  • a list of losses the abused suffered
  • how you can help the victim on his road to recovery
I highly recommend this book for anyone who truly wishes to help the man in their life recover.

New Book Gives Women Ideas, Insight on Guiding a Man They Love Through Abuse Recovery

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo., — Conservative statistics tell us that more than one in every six males has experienced un-wanted or abusive sexual experiences before the age of 16. While this is not generally a topic that is openly discussed, the magnitude of these numbers demands attention. What‟s more, these numbers do not include many survivors who had non-contact experiences. The thousands of men who survived childhood molestation have a myriad of lasting effects from their abuse that are as varied as the men themselves. The women who love these men can often be confused and unsure of how to help their loved one recover. It‟s time to bring this alarming problem into the public spotlight, encourage these men to be-gin the healing process and equip women to help.

Veteran author Cecil Murphey is a survivor of childhood abuse. In his latest release, When a Man You Love Was Abused, Murphey offers women a unique insight into the many facets of male childhood abuse and provides a clear picture of every-thing that the abused man in their lives may be experiencing but unable to express. With a vulnerable and candid heart, Murphey brings a distinctive insight into the damage experienced by male victims of sexual abuse and what the process of healing and recovery can look like.

Whether the man in question is a brother, neighbor, friend, boyfriend or husband, When a Man You Love Was Abused is a powerful tool for women looking to understand the impact of abuse. While childhood sexual abuse is a frequently ignored topic of conversation that everyone would prefer to avoid, Murphey addresses it with compassion and empathy. Di-vided into two main sections, the first half of the book paints a picture of the impact abuse has on men. The second half offers personal insight from Murphey and inspirational stories from other survivors that are designed to help a woman guide the man in her life on his road to recovery and healing.

Learn more information about the book here.

Cecil Murphey has written or coauthored more than one hundred books, including the bestselling book Gifted Hands which has sold more than three million copies, the autobiography of Franklin Graham, Rebel with a Cause and the New York Times bestseller 90 Minutes in Heaven. Murphey currently resides in Georgia.

Visit the Man Behind the Words web site here.
Visit shattering the silence web site here.

Questions & Answers with Cecil Murphey
Author of When a Man You Love Was Abused
1.) As a survivor of childhood abuse yourself, what advice would you have for women who want to help some-one in their life who has been abused?
  • Listen. Listen. Listen. He needs your compassion and love more than anything else.
  • I suggest women say something simple such as, "I don't understand this, but I love you, and I want to share in your recovery."
  • Respect his privacy. Allow him to talk when he wishes or to remain silent if he chooses.
  • Encourage him to believe that the abuse wasn't his fault.
  • Remind yourself that this is his struggle.
  • Pray for him and tell him you're praying for his healing.
2.) What two or three things can a woman do to be supportive of the abuse victim she loves?
  • Listen uncritically; listen silently. You don't have to give advice. Look into his eyes when he talks. Watch his facial expression and gestures.
  • Do whatever you can to make him feel safe—that it's all right to talk to you.
  • Believe what he says. If you accept his words, he may open up to you.
  • In quiet, casual ways, remind him that you care about him and also that God loves him.
3.) What two or three things should a woman NOT do or say?
  • Don't tell your best friend (or anyone) without his permission.
  • Don't pry. Let him talk as he is ready.
  • Don't push him toward healing. Let him move at his own pace.
4.) Are there certain behavioral or emotional 'clues' to look for in adult men that might signal previous child-hood abuse?
  • There are many such as self-blame, strong sense of guilt or shame.
  • Some turn to substance abuse or addictive behavior.
  • He may be hypervigilant and have an extreme startle response: he may jump at unexpected noises.
  • Intimacy may be a problem.
  • He may have sexual problems that range from dysfunction to promiscuity.
5.) If a woman suspects that a man she loves has been abused, how should she approach the subject if he hasn't confided in her?
When the two are alone, she can tell him what she suspects. I urge her not to push him to face his abuse or find healing. Do her best to communicate her unconditional love for him and say, "If you ever want to talk further, I want to listen."

6.) Trust is a big issue for survivors of abuse and a perceived lack of trust can feel very personal. What are some things that a woman can do to gain the trust of the abuse survivor in her life?
Most survivors were betrayed and taken advantage of by someone they knew—a family member, a neighbor, or someone in the church. Those are the people who should have protected him. If they failed him, whom can he trust? He may not be able to vocalize the issue, but it's usually there. He may struggle with trust: either he trusts everyone or trusts no one or he may vacillate between the two extremes.

7.) You warn women about the dangers of playing therapist. Can you tell us more about that?
  • She is a special woman in his life or she is his therapist. She can't be both. If she tries to use "pop psychol-ogy" on him, she may actually hurt him.
  • Because she is untrained, she can easily project her feelings and values on him. Her own childhood ex-perience can affect her attitude.
  • She can be most helpful if she listens nonjudgmentally and assures him of her love.
  • She shouldn't try to cure him or put into practice her knowledge of psychology. Her role isn't to make him face his past or urge him to forgive.
8.) What‟s wrong with saying “Forget the past. Move on”?
Survivors don't forget the past—especially trauma such as abuse. They may not recall every detail, but the experience was imprinted on them and will have an effect on their lives until they face the past and experience healing.
They can deny it or ignore it, but they don't forget. They can't move on until they've resolved those past issues. They need to be able to speak of the past and to accept what happened to them.

9.) The Bible urges us to forgive those who have wronged us. How can women help abuse survivors for-give?
Be patient with him and let him move at his own pace. Her role is not to push him to forgive; her role is to be at his side as he moves toward forgiveness. Her uncritical acceptance of him as he is can go a long way toward helping him feel normal.
To forgive is his spiritual struggle and he must choose to forgive—or not to forgive. She can tell him that she's praying for him to forgive.

10.) You refer to the “inner abuser.” Can you please explain more about this idea and why it‟s important for women to understand this concept as they help the abuse survivor in their life?
Long after physical abuse, survivors have an inner abuser and they often carry guilt for letting the assault hap-pen (even though they were helpless). Until they're healed, their inner voice accuses them and undermines their self-worth. They often find it difficult to believe that they're lovable and especially that God could love them.
He needs to come to terms with the way his abuse affected his behavior and his attitude toward himself and others. As the significant women in his life love him and accept him, they enable him to defeat the inner abuser.

Suggestions For Helping Your Man Through Recovery
by Cecil Murphey
Author of When a Man You Love Was Abused
Be honest about your feelings. Don‟t lie or try to hide how you feel.
Try to be a reflective listener. That is, pay attention and give consideration to his thoughts and feelings.
  • Seek eye contact. Look at him as he talks.
  • Do whatever you can to make him feel safe with you.
  • Suggest regular times to talk. Everything he needs to say won't all come out in one conversation. He might not know what he wants to say, or he may be unwilling to divulge more. As he speaks and you accept his words, it enables him to probe deeper into his past. As he probes, he heals.
  • Accept him as he is. He won't be perfect at the end of his healing journey. Accept his idiosyncrasies or quirks.
  • Recognize that healing won't always be in one straight line. After months of progress and increasing intimacy, he may suddenly reject you or create distance. Be patient. Think of it as a time-out for him.
  • Realize that you may project your attitude or values on him. Be careful. Your own childhood experiences may affect your attitude.
  • When appropriate, remind him that you love him, that you pray for him, and that God has always loved him.
  • Keep your expectations for him realistic. Avoid keeping a mental calendar of when he should be healed or how quickly he should be able to move forward.
  • Accept the pace of his progress, even if it's not as fast as you'd like. This is his painful past, not yours.
  • Forego the temptation to say what you think he wants to hear. Speak the truth. If the truth might hurt, don't say it when he's still vulnerable.
  • Avoid blaming him for the problems in your relationship. He has probably done many things wrong. Accept that it was the best way he knew to cope.
  • Live in the present, and encourage him to do so as well. He needs to empty himself of the trauma of his child-hood, but that doesn't have to control his thoughts so much that he holds on to resentments and anger of the past.
  • Accept that you may not know what's best for him. You may, but what if you don't?
*Material is excerpted from When a Man You Love Was Abused, pages 255-256.

A copy of this book was provided by DDPR for this review.


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